saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
