Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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