I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize