my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
