I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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