Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
