just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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