She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
