I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
how does that bad decision feel?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
we should paint friendship bongs
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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