I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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