I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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