he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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