A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
