i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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