he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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