Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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