He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
