I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
