The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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