My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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