Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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