Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
