New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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