I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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