my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize