Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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