i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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