When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Randomize
