i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
