I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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