It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
