Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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