Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
