checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
