ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Success! We fucked roommates!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
