I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
