My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
if only i could text you this smell
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
