So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
