i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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