Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
