Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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