stop calling my apartment porn island.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
