I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize