Soap is not a condiment
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
