her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
