Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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