Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
