i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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