I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
