Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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