This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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