getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize