I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
