Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's blow job season.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
